“Poor Me, Pour Me Another” [Starting Over]


I’m a totally failure. But I feel GREAT! I probably won’t feel that way tomorrow, but right now, I do. 5 and a half days sober and I broke. I just couldn’t take it. All the crying, all the internal conflict, all the damn memories. I just needed everything to shut the fuck up for one night! And now…it’s quiet and I’m at peace. I might just be able to actually sleep tonight.

Oh my god! I’ve been trying to write since Tuesday but after my nose dive off the wagon, as summarized above I’ve been trying to keep myself as busy as humanly possible. I’ve been going back to AA meetings after work and because I’m a single mother, I’m THAT girl at the meeting with a child that won’t sit still. But at least I’m going, and he’s actually really well behaved considering.

I’m just so tired this…

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Just at the gym after a gruelling year-long journey to get here and that’s just a five minute car journey for most so-called regular guys, i have been here before though on several occasions, only I’ve never made it to the door from the car. I’ve done it I’m in the door through reception and into the gym after scampering their head down all the way, panic and anxiety set in immediately in this already fear fuelled mind and body as you begin to use the training apparatus getting out of breathe easily after just two minutes of exercise because you are that sensitive to the fight or flight feelings that it’s as if almost everything you do could bring on that terror and breathlessness at any given moment. The truth of the matter is that it actually does you more good than harm, as exercise of any form produces chemicals in the brain and body like endorphins which are good feeling chemicals and can even have an immediate healthy impact on your mind-set and mood shift, But you try to explain that to this already condemning mind that try’s to put the fear of life in to you every time, as if it was a practical joker leaping from behind the door to frighten and startle you with fear and anguish, But if you are to finally combat it’s stupid games and appear to have no fear upon its presence leaping from behind the door. It then reaches for an almost magic remote control that can control any part of your body with the touch of a button. It starts to press the buttons randomly like someone flicking through the TV channels, Every button that’s pressed you feel the anguish and terror as the anxiety levels soar through the roof. Suddenly you start to shake and the hot sweats begin as you wipe away the perspiring droplets that begin to flow down your brow, You look around with despair as if you already know as to which button it’s going to press next as you start to get dizzy as the tunnel vision begins to set in. Escape is the only thing that comes directly to the forefront of your mind as you frantically start to flap as the anxiety levels increase still further with every breath, your head and body is raging with fear and anguish, and then it does it, it presses the red button on its magical remote of fear and terror. The breathing button. Your mouth goes dry unable to swallow as your throat feels like it is starting to close as you begin to breath faster and heavier desperately trying to gasp for air, You crouch to your knees looking around hoping that the world would just swallow you up, your chest gets tighter As your heart starts pounding against your rib cage as if it’s trying to escape and break its way out of your chest, Palpitations begin taking your breath away even more as you begin to hyperventilate perfusely crumbling to your knees. Help me help me your heart begins to cry. As you fear for your life once more. This is it you say to yourself this is the end, suddenly your breathing begins to slow slightly as the fog begins to lift on this frightfully painful episode, as your impaired vision begins to realign its focus. You take a few deep breaths and start to get back to your feet with legs like jelly still shaking like tremors of the aftermath of an earthquake of emotion and fear, You begin to try to coach yourself by talking to yourself in your head still desperate to escape. You begin to make your way back to the car which is situated as always right outside the door no more than 100 yards away from you at any one time. You see that’s how it is, that’s my escape route, my safety behaviours, the thing that apparently is going to save me from anything. Insane in itself to even comprehend such thinking but hey that’s just FEAR.