No sooner have you put the substances down because you got sick and tired of being sick and tired for far to long. Your finaly exposed to the world, demons and all. Mine being the anxiety and panic disorder coupled with Obbsesive compulsive disorder and agoraphobia. Not a bad selection hey, but joking apart the reality of it is that I live my life every day in such a way that I have almost become a recluse. I know that they say isolation is dangerous for any recovering addict But when your left exposed to deal with not just one but quite a few mental health issues that idea soon goes out of the window. Days pass by not knowing if I’m going to sleep or not so night becomes morning and day becomes night. The very thought of entering that big bad world without a substance inside me to ignite this machine is a daunting one. I plan things daily more than once and even change the plans to suit the demons of fear that lerk inside, For none of it coming to fruition and another day just passes me by Well so it may seem to the outlooker looking in but the truth of the matter is the work that I put in on a daily basis while alone inside these four walls is ridiculously tiresome, the obsessive thinking, the frustration and lack of self worth, but yet it’s something that you will never truly understand unless you’ve lived it yourself. The torment of flicking light switches on and off time after time and door checking to check that they are locked, Putting a pair of socks on or should I say 50 pairs or more, the insanity of it is that all my socks are identical plain black socks but you try to tell these demons inside, they are having none of it as they threaten you repeatedly with nasty evil threats of death. You sit for a while and try to gather yourself before your head explodes with rage and frustration. Stop just stop I tell myself as I coach myself to a halt to gaze for a while at anything but nothing just noticing the candle on my table and the flame just innocently swaying in the air as if it was dancing without a care in the world. Thoughts pass through the forefront of my mind as I just allow them to be as I just notice them pass me by. Still gazing at the candle I notice the wax melting as the wick continues to burn still dancing away in the air without a care in the world, I hear a car go by as I focus on listening to the sounds of my surroundings still staaring at the candle almost in a daze, I hear the clock ticking on my kitchen wall and the trees rustling outside in the gentle breeze, another car passes by outside as I just listen to the sound of the engine as it gradually drives by, I can start to smell the wild berry aromas gently wafting from the candle as if I can almost taste the berrys, the sweet and bitter tastes are almost on the tip of my tongue as I continue to glance at the dancing flame of the candle, more thoughts try to grab my attention vigorously as I Continue to just calmly watch them pass by still gazing at the candle all the while, I take a deep breath and feel a calm tranquility through my body as I stand up and blow out the candle still noticing the fantastic scents of Wild berrys wafting through the air I head to my bedroom in pure darkness and lay in bed still in that deep relaxed frame of mind as I gradually continue to notice the thoughts just pass by as I fall deep and sound asleep.
By Brett Pomfrey
(MY MINDFULNESS EXERCISE TO BRING YOU TO PEACE)