Open letter to my addict daughter

alifethatrocks

Screenshot 2014-10-16 23.17.11Dear daughter,

It’s ok you’re an addict, you haven’t failed and I still love you just the same.  I know I’ve always had a very harsh view and attitude of disgust towards the lives of addicts.  That’s only because if I could point out all the wrong in others, it would deflect the pain and agony I feel when I think of all the ways I went wrong.  Sometimes I think if I can point out all the things people wouldn’t do if they really cared you would see how deeply I cared for you.  I drive by your house just to see if you’re home, hoping to catch a glimpse of you to know that you’re ok.  When you stopped responding to my messages and calls, I knew you were hurting.  I held onto the hope that you just weren’t taking care of…

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Dry Drunk

NovemberDry

When you still don’t have a higher power after you’ve been sober for 10 months. When you refuse to work the steps in AA because it is still too painful to take an honest inventory of yourself and acknowledge your character defects. When you dislike your sponsor for not calling you and giving you the structure you need in order to successfully work the steps–even though you seldom call her yourself. When you rarely speak in AA meetings anymore because everyone else is smarter, more articulate, more popular, and a better leader than you are. When you think of going to more than one meeting a week as one more thing you have to pack into your schedule, so you basically never do it. Did I mention when you still find yourself fantasizing about how good bourbon feels as the warmth burns down your throat at a buzzing holiday party?

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It Takes Light to Cast a Shadow

addicts lament

Wonderment, Even in the Dark Light, Even in the Dark

I say I want to be happy and have all bright and sunny days, a life without hardship, struggle or pain.

But then I look at this simple image, and marvel at the strength of my reaction. All that power from a single moment captured by my lens.

Why does this matter to me?

There is nothing there…no fame no money, nothing to gain

The majesty and mystery of life lies before me…always

And maybe, even in the darkest of moments, when I am gripped by the claws of a desire I want to destroy…

there also is a glimmer of light

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